There is a saying in spiritual circles- “If you think you are enlightened, go home.” It doesn’t matter what your childhood is like, nothing brings our basic causes and behavior back more than our family of origin.
I remember helping my mom prepare for Thanksgiving one year before I started. He makes very reasonable requests, like “hey honey, can you use some sweet potatoes?” And instead of quietly obeying, with a smile, as I would have in childhood, some ancient rebels in me would rise up and turn me into a little one.
“You are not my boss!”
He would look at me, beat, and start kicking the potatoes himself, wondering what happened to his sweet little girl. It took me years of therapy to understand why I would behave so when I was around my mother during the holidays.
One of my love school students wrote to me recently on this subject:
“There was a year that I remember cutting a turkey with a smile on my face while my body tried to stay calm in the kitchen without crying, I was throwing food that I could cry about.
I think I look good on the outside, but on the inside, my chest was tight, my jaw dropped, and my back ached from the usual weight of humility. I was exploring two emotional feelings before it entered. Who was it already? Who felt changed? Who just seemed so quiet? Who can do later with non-invasive questions about my life, my decisions, my body, my relationships, my timeline, my “problems”? “My problems”?
I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.
To do again, I whispered. You leave your body to sit on the table. I saw something that day that changed everything for me: the most important seat at any table is the one that sits inside me. “
For many of us with a history of trauma, Thanksgiving and other winter holidays amplify all of our shit. For those with damaged boundaries, we can show no limits- and after that, we suffer from an emotional hangover for days or weeks separated by dorsals. Or we can use walls instead of boundaries, avoiding family gatherings, for fear of the next meltdown, explosion, or intervention.
But what if you didn’t have to put up with the unbearable or include your avoidant parts? What if this gratitude, you could communicate with parts of you and choose whether you will appreciate and not be able to take care of your parts instead of forcing them to endure intolerable family behaviors?
Let’s say part of you is afraid that great aunt mildred will, however, pester and shame about your natural clock and how it gets rid of ticks. Well, in this case, you can get close to sleeping the millie early and know that you are not found in any mention of mashed potatoes, you will quickly leave the remaining stage.
Maybe your brother starts to stand up for his words while the turkey is still there and the gloves go up, working on all the times he bullied you when you were at your lowest defense. Yes, you are now less, even if some parts of you still feel that way. In the meantime, you might as well give your brother a choice. If he wants you at the Thanksgiving table, you only get to sit down with him if he’s smart. If he doesn’t want to make that sacrifice to be there with you, well, he made his choice – and you have the right to make yours.
If your mom runs the Thanksgiving kitchen like a drill sergeant and you’re not in a position to be one of her soldiers, you can ask her to try to control the kitchen if she wants your help. And if he fails to help himself and the orders start flying, you can just bail on the kitchen work and excuse yourself to read a book for a while.
If you are raised to be an associated fawner, such parameters may be protective or controlling for you. But it’s not selfish or controlling to look at your tender parts; It loves you, it cares about you, it has compassion for your used parts. Great aunt Millered may not like your boundaries if she feels entitled to be interested in your private business. Your brother may feel resentful that he has to choose between commitment and enjoying the pleasure of your company in appreciation, but as long as you give him a choice, he is entitled to it. And your Sergeant’s mother, if she wants help in the kitchen, might learn that Nurse Ratchett is not the force that forces her children to want to sing green beans anywhere near her.
My invitation to you as we approach the Thanksgiving holidays is to determine for yourself what is right and wrong for you. What are you willing to put up with, even if you have to roll over and lay low- and what’s too far over the line to get involved? In case you’re not sure what boundaries are acceptable to set, here are some thankful boundaries you have every right to set and enforce.
1. Time limit
“I can come for a few hours, and then I’ll go home.”
2. Political Boundary
“I don’t have any political discussions today. Please knock them off if you feel compelled to try to influence my political position.”
3. The Boundary of Privacy
“There are certain parts of my life that are not open to family discussion. I am not available for questioning about my private life. I will not answer questions about my dating / physical / work / health right now.”
4. Difficult border
“I’m not good at being around excessive drinking or drug use. You’re free to do as you wish, but I want you to know that if that happens, I’ll be down.”
5. Boundaries of Emotional Performance
“I’m working on therapy to reduce the emotional labor I often unconsciously take when I’m around family. I’m happy to be with you all, but I’m not available to find others in terms of conflict at this meeting.”
6. Respect the boundary
“If the words are raised or there is more respect than respect, I will remove them.”
7. Sector Boundary
“I’m not taking on my usual role as PeaCemaker / organizer / Therapist today. I’m happy to listen to updates on how everyone is doing, but I won’t be playing family counselor today.”
8. Border Matters
“I understand that some people may not like my restrictions, but I am not responsible for the comfort or emotional reaction of other people to my choices.”
9. The Boundary of Autonomy
“I’m working on regaining my physical independence, so please understand that I don’t want hugs or other physical contact without being asked first.”
10. Borderline Communication Style
“I will not respond to aggressive or aggressive or offensive comments. If you have a beef with me, please look at me respectfully and directly.”
11. Set the border
“If you expect something from me, please ask me directly and give me plenty of time to make up my mind. I will not change my plans at the last minute without guilt or pressure.”
12. Scope of Application
“I’m not going to fall for the “good family” trick today. I’m not caught pretending everything’s fine when it’s not.”
13. margin of safety
“I won’t be in the same situation as my unrepentant, unrepentant assailant. If Uncle Joe would show thanks, I’d go.”
14. Boundary of Self-Regulation
“Please don’t take it personally when I go outside to take breaks, apologize to a quiet room, or leave when I’m feeling frustrated.”
15. Limitation of unsolicited advice
“I know you care about me, but please give me advice on how you think I should live my life without me asking.”
If you’re new to setting boundaries during the holidays, your loved ones can be a bit off-putting. Don’t worry. That is normal. It may take some adjustment to get used to a new, healthy you. It’s also normal to be squeamish the first time you try a border adjustment. You won’t always be smooth or find the right balance of right and aggressive. Give yourself a break if it’s a big ride. You will get better at it with practice, as with any new skill.
In time, the rewards will be worth it. You will not tolerate a break of tolerance. Even if you suck, you will suck and explode. Or suffer an emotional hangover after showing no symptoms. And you can’t avoid family gatherings entirely- unless you’re not touching the only way to stay safe, which may only be your way if people absolutely refuse to respect your clear boundaries.
It helps to remind people that setting boundaries is an act of love, a way to protect a relationship, to stay safe. It’s not meant to be controlling, even if it feels that way to some who feel entitled to have zero restrictions. You can’t expect people to read your mind. Setting boundaries ensures that the person does not have to guess whether or not they will tolerate you.
Boundaries are also a great tool for understanding. They help you assess whether someone is safe enough to hang up on – or not, or how healthy they are at showing right and wrong.
And they are a way to prove to your parts that you will get it back, that they don’t have to worry about the unexpected and the unexpected, because He has a plan– And your exit strategy, if that happens requires being the right parent for the parts of you that need you.
Good luck with the Thanksgiving border arrangement! And please know, dear reader, how I appreciate that you care about what I write. And for those who subscribed to read my newsletters, thank you! I thank my lucky stars every day that I get to make a living as a writer, I can only do it because of you.
If what I write is helpful to you, please consider passing this along to someone else who you think might benefit from reading it. And if you would like to dive deep into the skills of restoration of the type of border restoration, please consider joining the Love School, full of living months, not only with your partner, but family friendship, friendship and peers to support.
Read more and join the love at school here.
Happy Thanksgiving to you!
