Pop Psychology uses a lot of lingo to describe various imbalances in relationships:
- Inactivity / underactivity
- Narcissist
- Neurotypical / NeurodIvent (ADHD, Autism, etc.)
- Caregiver / disabled person for the care of the disabled
- He was falsely empowered / disabled
- One up / one down
- Give / marketer
- PERPTRAR / victim
But all of this often refers to the different ways the dynamic forces are at play, giving and receiving is happening (or not), and who is in control in the relationship. In a healthy relationship, your giving and receiving is reciprocated, if not in a physical way of beans (some will provide more beans, others may give more emotionally), at least in a GestTalt way. I always say that as long as both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the deal, things are probably fair and balanced, and there’s a lot of gratitude to go around.
But when things are out of balance for too long, hatred builds. The right can run high. One person’s needs may be served at the expense of another person. And when we throw our parts under the bus long enough, relationships are all but inevitable. If you don’t get your needs met in a relationship, or if you do a lot of humanitarian work for the elderly and the other person benefits from how easy you make their life, or if you are working on your grief and there is no ease in your nervous system, body, spirit, or life force. As Jeff Redir and I write about in our book, these types of unbalanced relationships can make you relationship- either physically or in relation to your mental and spiritual health.
But not all relationships are unequally created. Next week when the IFS community around relationships likes school, we will be talking about these different types of relationships – and what you can and can’t do to awaken them.
Join us for Love School here
In our book of the genre, which comes out in 2026, we have divided the unbalanced relationship into 4 categories, which unravel whether it is possible to achieve a balanced life while benefiting from the relationship or the intensity of the extreme inequality is compatible with a good life. Let me review those sections here.
Level 1 Relationship
In this asymmetric relationship, there is no money, no abuse, and no exploitation. There is one person with superpowers, taking care of another person with superpowers. Perhaps the opposite person is giving to a person with a disability, who would like to do more to help another but is unable to do so. Or maybe a neurotypical person with a high functioning function does more with the mental load and the work done (overwork) than someone with a spike and acts with more neutrality and irritation. In a level 1 relationship, there is no obvious power imbalance, or difference in power that can make it appear as such. No one goes “one” and no one gets worn down or takes it down a notch.
Remember, a person with a disability or a neurodverGent can still walk “alone” or “one down.” If so, that kicks them up to 2 relationships. At Level 1, communication therapy is clear and simple – when possible, get more support from the one who contributes the most, to get a break, to avoid their treatment and recovery.
Level 2 Relationship
The second level is one of the most common types of unequal relationships. This can be a Classic One / One Down (Narcissist / Pelicent Open, powerful / power, give too much / Take too much) dynamic energy dynamic energy. But to classify as level 2, there does not have to be extreme patterns of manipulation, control manipulation, and machiavellian intent to exploit the other person. There is also no crime – no domestic violence, sexual abuse, theft, con art, fraud, embezzlement, etc. 2 Cans Cans Cans or those with neurodivent. Those issues are separate from the power issues at the heart of Level 2 relationships.
It is our position – and the real terry therapy marriages agree with us – that many 2 relationships, and relationships can be healed, if the relationship is not better, if you have two people who are willing to do the work of restoration of power. One must be willing to step down from their high position and get off their high horse. One must be willing to step up, without shame or inclination, to enter into a relationship life. It certainly takes two, and if only one person is willing to do the work, the relationship probably won’t be good enough for them to develop the relationship.
Level 3 Relationship
This is a 2-part relationship, but without other criminal behaviors. Interlocking regulation is a crime in Connecticut, the UK, and many other places, and should be a crime everywhere IMHO. But that’s not the case. When a relationship is marked by controlling compulsions, healing from addiction becomes all but impossible.
Coercive control is a form of control where one person seeks to put another through a continuous process of exclusion through mental, emotional, financial, or physical means. Coercive control works with endless, subtle tactics – such as analysis, isolation, isolation, gradual erosion of autonomy – gradually draining the victim of their sense of freedom, security, and self-confidence. It is not defined by what the abuse is or how the abuse appears, but by its destructive effect: a strong relationship in which one person’s will, choice, and diminishment or dependence.
Victims of collective control, which describes almost all cult members, need to get out from under someone’s thumb before the self-control system is good enough to allow your body to heal, whether you’re going to get proper treatment to heal, or whether you’re going through therapy.
Level 4 Relationship
If you include other forms of criminal behavior in combativeness, such as rape, assault, stealing your money, forgery, extortion, labor trafficking, and so on, you have 4 relationships. Level 3 and level 4 relationship therapy is to get professional help, get the law and lawyers involved where necessary, enlist social services, and be safe. Relationships likely won’t improve until the victims of 3 or 4 relationships are removed and brought to safe situations, where their nervous systems, where their nervous systems can finally rest enough with the body’s natural healing processes to bounce back.
Asymmetrical relationships simply refer to romantic relationships. You can have Level 1, 2, 3, or 4 dynamics with a parent, sibling, close friend, boss, or co-worker, healer, Shaman, priest, or therapist that abuses their energy. Regardless of the type of relationship that is unbalanced, it can make you sick, as we will explain in more detail in our book and in our upcoming love gatherings.
Wherever your relationship falls apart, if you are in an unbalanced relationship, and especially if the relationship is because of it, my heart goes out to you. I hope you get the support and sympathy you need to be healthy, happy and whole.
We will talk in more detail about how to heal the dynamic energy in the school of love on Monday. We’d love to see you there!
Join Love School & Access past recordings here.
