A lesson in vulnerability, accountability and forgiveness from Ted Lasso
My partner Jeff and I after the cultural sessions. While everyone was busy with Ted Lasso during the pandemic, we were busy on the front lines of trying to support the world in a psychological crisis at Harvard, and on the front lines of the commercial disaster and the well-influenced transplants that have won the fear of other people.
But now that the pace of health-related emergencies has settled (or at least changed), we’re finally getting the upper hand. And watching Ted Lasso has become our cool tradition. Jeff is separated from this show, not because he is a sports fan, but because, after growing up in reality and being raised by the moral version, it sounds like he is learning a thing or two with apple TV TED Lasso.
Ted Lasso is not just about football; It’s a story about the dirty, beautiful, and often different ways they come from each other. At its heart is coach Ted Lasso, a kind-hearted, optimist who found himself leading a British Premier League team against all odds. In the beginning, Ted built a deep connection with Nate Shelley, the group is quiet, quiet behind the scene of the kit. Ted sees and affirms Nate, not only his knowledge of football, which is growing, but his ability to lead, to feel seen, heard. Nate, here, is attracted to Ted’s combined energy, energy, the kind that makes one feel safe enough to grow. Ted encourages nate from Kit Man to train, an act of mentoring to plant seeds of hope and possibility.
But people’s hearts are complicated, and the tender soil can sometimes be taken over by jealousy and fear. In season 2, Nate begins to fight his own shadows. He sees the likes of Ted Showers in Roy Kent, and his part feels invisible, small and resentful. That anger, left unchecked, begins to frustrate him, finding subtle expression in the new person of the group’s theta. Ted’s loyal trainer is sensitive to change, witnessing Nate’s anger with a mixture of anxiety and grief.
There is one narrative arc that stopped Jeff and I in our tracks.
The panic attack was the turning point
In that season 1, during an important game, coach Ted Lasso walks out of center field and doesn’t come back. At first, he tells everyone that he has food poisoning. But the truth was Ted was having panic attacks. He hides what happened, not just from the training team, but from everyone – because that’s what many of us do when it feels so hopeful, so hard to say. Shame thrives in silence. And Ted is silent.
In season 2, Ted begins to confide in group therapy about his panic attacks. His SideKick finds and leaks the scoop to trent crimm, a reporter from the representative who often covers team news. Tent then published the story and announced a rare moment of honesty that would cost him his job, he told Ted that his source, we think because he thought it was appropriate.
“So, you just know…it was.”
When the story hits the press, Ted walks into a room full of players who have learned something personal about their world-class coach, not someone they’ve trusted at their own peril. This is the moment when most of us – especially those who carry attachment wounds – will react with defensiveness, excuses, anger, or shutting up. We excuse, overexplain, collapse, blame the nation, or withdraw altogether.
Ted made a different choice. Ted’s gang is furious and vows to find out who the rat was, so they can find him and humiliate him. “
Ted says, “I’m going to talk about butt right now.” (He is corrected by the coach’s beard. “It’s necessary, coach, not a butt.
What correction and accountability actually looks like
Ted stands in front of his players and tells them the truth, not the imposed version or the PR version. The real truth. He owns that he lied. He owns that he did not trust them. You own that you missed an opportunity to build rapport and connect. And then he gives one of the best self-defense speeches I’ve seen on television:
Y’all got something from somewhere, where you got to get it from me first. But I chose not to say that, and that was dumb. You know, fellas, we make a lot of decisions in our lives every day, ranging from, “Am I really going to eat something called Greek yogurt?” To, “should I leave my family and take a job halfway around the world?” I choose not to see with y’all, that was a bad way. But I can’t waste time wishing I could do all that. ‘Cause how options work. No, sir. No. Picking that, and my Chicago Bulls Starter jacket when I let Janelle Rhoorses my year ’cause it looked like she was shot, those two things I didn’t come back. ‘Cause every choice is an opportunity, FELAS. And I didn’t give up the chance to build more for y’all. To quote UCLA’s Head Basketball Coach, John Obi-Wan Gandalf, ‘It is our choice, gentlemen, that shows who we really are, beyond our control.’ Now, I hope you will forgive me for what I have done. Because I sure as heck wouldn’t want any of y’all to hold anything from me.
He is not ashamed. He does not forgive. He doesn’t point a finger at Nate to investigate his departure and lying.. He just stands there, heart open, admitting the harm he caused and asking for forgiveness.
The team captain Isaka looked him in the eyes and said, “Simply,” Nah, we got it. “
But here is the part that deserves more attention, especially for those of us who are healed from the relative rule- How do they deal with the nate. When Ted hears that the nation has betrayed him, he drags him in front of the group and in front of himself in his community by leaving. He does not retaliate, scold, or compare His cruelty to Ted’s cruelty. Ted protects the private dignity as he holds the line and brings her.
By talking to the group about options, ted calls ted ate, not. She silently acknowledges that Nate makes choices, and that decisions have consequences. He doesn’t do anything that happened. But he refuses to comply. He creates space for Nate to face himself under his rage, the longing under his attack, the wound under his betrayal. Ted doesn’t disagree with Nate’s twisted story about abandonment. He simply shows reality, calmly and firmly. He treats Nate as someone who should be able to tell the truth.
After that he gives freedom of freedom, without leaving his integrity. Ted does not cling, chase, or try to stop nate from doing outside. He doesn’t look hopeless or give up. He talks to the group, and about it, nate, about how we can choose who we are and how we behave. He does not understand this speech so that you are alone. He talks to the whole team. By doing so, Ted shows Nate Love without sacrificing limits and boundaries without sacrifice.
There is no drama. There is no gossip. There is no moral superiority. “This is happening. I’m here if you ever want a different relationship.” Every choice is an opportunity.
The medicine of this time
Why did this hit me so hard? Because that’s what the antidotes to many of the attachment patterns I see in people in “relationships” are – they cling to Trauma Dynamics, patterns of protection, and defenses that reflect back and forth that undermine the love we’re trying to maintain. Ted shows us that accountability doesn’t have to be punitive; It can be love. Being vulnerable shouldn’t feel like weakness; It can be power. The fix doesn’t have to be surprising or complicated; It can be easy, if both people are willing. And most importantly, intimacy grows not when we get it right, but when we clean it up when we get it wrong.
Jeff was very affected by this incident because what was found in him in his abusive home was a complete lack of accountability, such as self-defense, such as using, attacking anyone who tries to catch someone who tells you, and blame the victim.
Top that with the religious deduction that puts the Ongus of Thelether Squarely to the abused, without the accountability of the abused and you have a way of helplessness of helplessness, hopelessness, and frustration of those who are betrayed by those who should love and be loyal to them and be loyal to them.
I know it’s a myth, but as we enter the holiday season, maybe we can all think about where we might need to make amends in response to someone who has hurt us, and how we can catch up on what others need.
Who are you in your life, rather than facing?
Would it be safer to deal with it instead of just bothering them?
Who in your life do you seem to avoid, rather than explain why they are upset?
What are you coming up with?
What leaves you feeling regret?
How can you lead the recovery process, whether you are at fault, the wrongdoer, or a combination of both?
If you need support learning how to build related healing skills, such as coping after a blowout, we welcome you to join our community of love and love repair.
Read more about the school of love here.
We may not have the entertainment value of Ted Lasso, but we genuinely care about helping survivors of related abuse learn to develop skills and practice related health.
